Like Mother like Sons

The first picture of me is from this past May. And the boys from this evening.  Like Mother like Sons.  (Randy would never condescend to such tactics).

Your butt is getting bigger

Morgan just told me "Mom, your butt is getting bigger."  10 minutes later when I sat down in the banana chair he said "Mom, that's too small for you to sit in."  I'm starting to feel a bit self conscious.  Although, to be fair, he also told me I looked like a princess this morning.

Empathy

Before I had kids, I pretty much never got sick.  Like ever.  After having Morgan it was like he took my immune system with him when he left my body and I started getting sick all the time.  Since Teagan the tiny scraps of immune system that were remaining were also eradicated.  I'm not a big fan.  There aren't many things worse in this life than being really sick and still having to be a mom.  No matter how much I would like him to, Teagan can't just get up and make his own food or change his own diaper, not to mention all the other hundred things your kids want from you all day long.  So if I had a choice, I would choose to have a crappy immune system UNTIL I was a mom and then a great one thereafter, not the other way around.  But during the wee hours of this morning as I was putting clothes in the washing machine and washing puke off the floor after our second round of throw up all over the house, it occured to me that maybe I lost my immune system for a reason.  I had this very same illness on Wednesday.  Excruciating nausea coupled with excruciating stomach pain.  It was terrible.  I know EXACTLY what Morgan is going through because I was there just a couple days ago.  When he's screaming and crying about his stomach hurting, I know he's not just being whiny.  I know he really is in serious pain.  When he doesn't make it to the bathroom in time and makes yet another mess in his pants, I know it's not his fault.  When he's not sure if he needs to sit on the toilet or bend over the toilet and makes the wrong choice, I completely understand.  When Jesus suffered in Gethsemane he felt every single thing we would ever go through from sorrow to pain to guilt to despair.  He felt it all so he would know EXACTLY how we feel and thus be able to help us through it.  I know I've been a better mom today with Morgan because of what I went through a few days ago.  There have been MANY accidents and I haven't gotten frustrated one single time.  Obviously I'm not a big fan of cleaning them up and there have been a couple of times I almost lost it myself but I haven't had a single negative thought all day.  Only concern and love.  We spend so much time wondering why me?  Why do I have to go through this?  Why can't I just be healthy like I used to be? The Lord knows what He's doing with us.  If I have to have a crappy immune system and get sick all the time to become a tiny bit more like the Savior...I'll take it.  I'm so thankful for an all-knowing and loving Father who gives me what is best for me instead of what I want.

Pictures

It's been forever since I posted pictures so here are a few recent pictures:

Morgan & Teagan got a book for Christmas that plays very realistic animal noises (an adult book, not a kid book).  Morgan loves it but Teagan REALLY loves it.  Every time he hears one of the noises he puts is his hand up over his mouth like this.  It's so funny.

Don't kids think balls are fun?  Apparently not.

Tragedy brings perspective

I was about to lay down for nap time when I decided to check my google reader really fast before I laid down.  I read on my cousin's blog about a tragedy in her family and now, of course, I can't sleep so I thought maybe if I purged my thoughts I'd be able to actually relax get a little nap in.  My cousin's husband's sister's 20-month-old little boy died during the night.  I don't even know these people but I can't stop crying.  I can't even begin to contemplate losing Morgan or Teagan.  They are such sweet little angels and I love them more than words can ever express.  I can't imagine having to go through something like that.  I really can't imagine much worse in this life.  Just the idea that they could be taken from me makes me want to run in and hold them and never let them go.  And yet, just yesterday, I was saying "can't you leave me alone for even five seconds?"  My boys are very needy for whatever reason. They want my attention 24 hours a day (and yes, I really mean 24 hours since they even want to sleep on top of my head, just so long as they know I'm right there and can't go anywhere).  I can't even go to the bathroom in peace.  Sometimes it really starts to get on my nerves.  Sometimes it leaves me so frazzled at the end of the day I feel like I need to check myself into the mental hospital.  But man, what if I lost one of them?  When it comes down to it, what is most important?  Without question, they are the most important.  More important than checking facebook, or writing on my blog, or scrapbooking, or reading my book, or cleaning the house, or talking on the phone, or taking a shower, or exercising or whatever it is they are keeping me from doing.  The reason I feel so frazzled is because I fight it all day, trying to get stuff done while they beg for my attention.  Maybe I should stop fighting it, give them the attention, and to heck with everything else.  I'm sure the mother who lost her little boy last night would tell me to cherish every single moment I have with my boys.  If I knew I only had one week left with Morgan or Teagan I guarantee I would have spent my time differently than I did this past week.  But we never know what the future holds.  They could be taken from me at any time so I should live as if each day may be the last, because maybe it will be.  Tragedy always brings perspective.  I hope this tragedy will help me change my day-to-day attitude and help me to enjoy every second I have with my boys, even if it means I don't get to do anything else. 

Double Team

So it's been a while since I've blogged because I've been working through some issues with Lucifer.  For quite a while I've been having a hard time finding the motivation to do anything.  Every day is a struggle.  I don't want to clean the house.  I don't want to exercise.  I don't want to read my scriptures.  I don't want to eat right; in fact I've probably been eating 4 times more a day than I should since food is apparently the only way I know how to cope with life.  I don't want to play with toys for hours on end.  I don't want to hear anymore whining.  I don't want to go out in the freezing cold.  I don't want to hunt monsters or dinosaurs all day long.  I don't want to plan our cub scouts activity or even go to our cub scouts activity.  I don't want to plan my preschool lesson.  I don't want to go to the temple.  I don't want to read to the boys.  I don't want to teach the boys anything.  I don't want to run errands.  I'm stressed about the state of the world.  I'm stressed about money.  I'm stressed about the future.  Pretty much: I'm blah.  Ever get that way?  It starts slowly and you don't really recognize what's going on.  You wonder why you just can't get your life together and do the things you know you should, much less actually enjoy them (I love my boys more than life itself, there's no reason I shouldn't enjoy reading to them or playing with them).  The longer you feel this way, the worse you feel about yourself.  I'm a terrible mother.  I'm a terrible wife.  I'm a terrible housekeeper.  I'm a terrible daughter of God.  I can't do anything right.  I have absolutely no will-power or self-control or motivation.  The more you think this way, the worse you feel; the worse you feel, the less motivation you have.  It's a terrible cycle.  You don't know how you got here but you're in so deep a hole you don't know how to get out.  This is Satan's masterful double team.  And by double, I don't mean two.  I figure he has at least 5-10 devils working on me on a regular basis so by double team, I mean 10-20.  20 voices is a lot to ignore. 20 voices tempting you to just read a book or play on the internet or scrapbook instead of doing all the things you need to is hard to resist (I know what you're thinking: your biggest tempation is scrapbooking? Man, you have it hard).  20 voices telling you how worthless you are every second of every day really starts to wear you down.  I have felt so weighed down I can actually feel the pressure of all the extra devils surrounding me.  I don't know why he's working so hard on me but he's been totally successful.  Not only have I been a complete and utter failure at life lately, but a complete and utter failure about tuning Satan out and listening to the Spirit instead.  I've been listening to everything Satan and his devils having been saying to me and letting them tear me down.  And thus...no blogging.  I haven't had the motivation, nor the desire and what would I have written anyway?  Hey, I'm a loser that doesn't want to face life today.  What an interesting blog. 

There is some good news however.  First, I'm on my way back up.  I still don't want to do most of those things but at least I finally recognize the situation for what it is and at least want to fight back.  My personality is that of a fighter.  Figuring out that Satan is double teaming me and messing with me makes me kind of mad and makes me want to do something about it and show him he can't win that easily.  Second, because the gospel is such a central part of who I am and my testimony is pretty much unshakable, when I talk about a dark hole it's not even remotely as dark or as a deep as most people deal with.  I'm not talking about serious depression or suicidal thoughts or anything.  Just a basic blah-ness.  I'm usually a pretty happy person, even when times aren't the best.  I'm used to being super woman and getting more done than should be possible.  So being not so happy and getting nothing done and struggling with seemingly basic things is a big deal for me.  But it's not the kind of depression that many people face. 

Hopefully I'll be back to my old self soon and you'll start seeing more cute pictures and funny stories about my angels.  In the meantime, this is my official "I'm not going to take it anymore so you better just back off" to Lucifer.