Double Team

So it's been a while since I've blogged because I've been working through some issues with Lucifer.  For quite a while I've been having a hard time finding the motivation to do anything.  Every day is a struggle.  I don't want to clean the house.  I don't want to exercise.  I don't want to read my scriptures.  I don't want to eat right; in fact I've probably been eating 4 times more a day than I should since food is apparently the only way I know how to cope with life.  I don't want to play with toys for hours on end.  I don't want to hear anymore whining.  I don't want to go out in the freezing cold.  I don't want to hunt monsters or dinosaurs all day long.  I don't want to plan our cub scouts activity or even go to our cub scouts activity.  I don't want to plan my preschool lesson.  I don't want to go to the temple.  I don't want to read to the boys.  I don't want to teach the boys anything.  I don't want to run errands.  I'm stressed about the state of the world.  I'm stressed about money.  I'm stressed about the future.  Pretty much: I'm blah.  Ever get that way?  It starts slowly and you don't really recognize what's going on.  You wonder why you just can't get your life together and do the things you know you should, much less actually enjoy them (I love my boys more than life itself, there's no reason I shouldn't enjoy reading to them or playing with them).  The longer you feel this way, the worse you feel about yourself.  I'm a terrible mother.  I'm a terrible wife.  I'm a terrible housekeeper.  I'm a terrible daughter of God.  I can't do anything right.  I have absolutely no will-power or self-control or motivation.  The more you think this way, the worse you feel; the worse you feel, the less motivation you have.  It's a terrible cycle.  You don't know how you got here but you're in so deep a hole you don't know how to get out.  This is Satan's masterful double team.  And by double, I don't mean two.  I figure he has at least 5-10 devils working on me on a regular basis so by double team, I mean 10-20.  20 voices is a lot to ignore. 20 voices tempting you to just read a book or play on the internet or scrapbook instead of doing all the things you need to is hard to resist (I know what you're thinking: your biggest tempation is scrapbooking? Man, you have it hard).  20 voices telling you how worthless you are every second of every day really starts to wear you down.  I have felt so weighed down I can actually feel the pressure of all the extra devils surrounding me.  I don't know why he's working so hard on me but he's been totally successful.  Not only have I been a complete and utter failure at life lately, but a complete and utter failure about tuning Satan out and listening to the Spirit instead.  I've been listening to everything Satan and his devils having been saying to me and letting them tear me down.  And thus...no blogging.  I haven't had the motivation, nor the desire and what would I have written anyway?  Hey, I'm a loser that doesn't want to face life today.  What an interesting blog. 

There is some good news however.  First, I'm on my way back up.  I still don't want to do most of those things but at least I finally recognize the situation for what it is and at least want to fight back.  My personality is that of a fighter.  Figuring out that Satan is double teaming me and messing with me makes me kind of mad and makes me want to do something about it and show him he can't win that easily.  Second, because the gospel is such a central part of who I am and my testimony is pretty much unshakable, when I talk about a dark hole it's not even remotely as dark or as a deep as most people deal with.  I'm not talking about serious depression or suicidal thoughts or anything.  Just a basic blah-ness.  I'm usually a pretty happy person, even when times aren't the best.  I'm used to being super woman and getting more done than should be possible.  So being not so happy and getting nothing done and struggling with seemingly basic things is a big deal for me.  But it's not the kind of depression that many people face. 

Hopefully I'll be back to my old self soon and you'll start seeing more cute pictures and funny stories about my angels.  In the meantime, this is my official "I'm not going to take it anymore so you better just back off" to Lucifer.