And so it begins....Again

So our last IVF cycle didn't take.  I'm not pregnant.  I started feeling like I wanted another baby WAY before I should've felt that way (considering how much I hate being pregnant.) It took Randy a little longer but as we were deciding what to do with our insurance for 2011 we both felt very strongly it was time to try IVF again.  I don't know why the Lord wanted us to flush $4000 down the toilet but I do know that I trust Him. There have been a lot of things going around my head for past week but it all comes down to this: I know the Lord loves me and I know He wants what's best for me and I'm at peace.  If He wants me to spend $4000 on nothing, I know there's a reason and I trust Him.  Sure, I shed a few tears over the loss of a potential baby but I never broke down because from almost the very minute I got the results, I felt peace.  We decided to go ahead and use our last embryos right now.  I want my kids to be close together. I already felt like the timing was right so theoretically, it still is. It will save us a lot of money to go ahead and do it again because we get to skip all the pre-testing since we just barely did it.  And if I'm not going go have any more children, I would rather know now so I can start getting used to the idea of only having two kids and then moving on with my life.  I'm so grateful for my two boys.  I love them more than words can describe.  If they are the only children I get, I will be grateful, I will be happy, and I will be content.  I've always wanted more but I really will be just fine without more because the two I have have brought me immeasurable joy.  I started my drugs again today.  Implantation is mid-May and our new possible due date is January 29th.  Obviously I'm hoping it will work, but even if we throw thousands of more dollars down the toilet, I'm still good with it.  I'm at peace.  Maybe all this is just a test to see what we're willing to sacrifice. The Lord is always there for me.  He knows what's best for me and for my family and he wants us all to be happy.  I know that in His hands, everything will be fine, more children or not.  So here we go again.  I'll have to give up my beloved Dr Pepper again.  I'll be extra irritable and extra tired from all the hormones.  And then we'll know.  These are our last embryos and we don't have any more money to do this again so one way or another we'll know how big our family is going to be in the next few months and we can move on from there. If the next cycle doesn't work I'll probably have a harder time because that really will be our last shot and it's hard to let go of a future you've hoped for for so long.  But I really will be ok.  It's in God's hands and whatever the outcome, it will be the right one and the best one for us.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

THE GOOD

I went on a hot date with Morgan tonight to see Tangled at the dollar movie.  We ate lots of popcorn and candy and had a lot of fun.  He was so excited and when Morgan's excited you can't help but have a fabulous time.  Plus, such a cute movie!  Double Plus, I didn't have to watch March Madness!

THE BAD

I'm not technically even pregnant yet and the negative side effects of pregnancy are already affecting my life.  Let me start by saying I DO NOT love being pregnant.  In fact, I view it as 9 months of torture.  I'm not one of those people who feels great when they're pregnant.  I'm not one of those people who at least feels pretty good during their second trimester.  I feel miserable every single day.  Yes, I understand the miracle of life blah blah blah...I don't need a lecture or a pep talk (which always come from the women who feel great during pregnancy by the way).  Obviously I understand what the end result of pregnancy is.  I pay a LOT of money and go through a LOT of pain to get pregnant.  Most people just have a little fun.  Plus I love my sweet little boys more than anything in the world.  So yes, I get it.  But the end result doesn't make the nausea go away or make it any more tolerable.  I'm just sayin.  So to get back to the point...I had to give up Dr Pepper.  I used to never drink caffeine unless I had a SUPER BAD headache or it was vital that I stay awake (like driving during the night on a trip to Texas or something.)  But now that I only get 5-6 hours of sleep per night when my body requires about 9 and only sometimes get a nap during the day and I have to get up at 4:30AM and then drive to North Salt Lake every morning: pretty much every morning became VITAL to stay awake.  Should I be drinking caffeine every day?  Probably not.  But is it better than falling asleep in the car on the way to work and killing myself and possibly someone else?  Absolutely.  But now that I could be pregnant, bye bye Dr Pepper.  It's been quite difficult trying to get more sleep and I have to munch on something all the way to work to try to keep by body awake.  It's not fun.  Second side effect: I woke up this morning with the first symptoms of a cold coming on.  My first symptom is always my throat and I woke up wanting to drink an Emergen-C.  So I jumped on Google to see what it said and "Nope, sorry, not only can you not take anything to help kick the sickness in the butt before you're miserable, you can't even take anything when the sickness kicks you in the butt and you want to die, but have a nice day."  Awesome.  I hope more than anything that I am pregnant right now but man the next nine months are going to be long ones.

THE UGLY

Walmart put out a new coupon policy that let me use my Walgreens register rewards.  It was so freakin awesome.  I coupon because I have to.  We don't have a large budget so anywhere I can save money is good.  But Walgreens makes it so difficult to shop there that you want to pluck your eyes out even when you're getting stuff for free.  I had sworn them off for good but Walmart's new policy came out.  I went to Walgreens, got all the free stuff, and then spent all my rewards at Walmart on stuff I was going to buy there anyway and it was the best!  Now Walmart put a new coupon policy again that takes it back away.  I was perfectly happy with Walmart before because I wouldn't expect them to take Walgreen's register rewards.  But now that they've giving me something fabulous and then taken it away they are on my serious bad list.  It's like giving candy to a little kid, letting them take one lick to see how good it is and then taking it away.  Don't they know you can't do that?  Grrrr!  Curse Walmart!!!

And since I can't leave this post focusing on the negative aspects of my day, here are some pictures of my adorable boys:

Teagan enjoys a little icecream and brownie before bed

Morgan and Miles (our next door neighbor) are only a few months apart and both love the same things (like Buzz Lightyear). It's going to be so much fun watching them grow up together. I hope they stay close.

Poor Morgan wasn't feeling very good and fell asleep sitting up in the rocking chair

Best Buddies

I came home from work yesterday to find Teagan in overalls with no shirt.  And although I was wondering why the heck Randy didn't put a shirt on him, he looked too adorable for me to put one on him either.  So instead...I grabbed the camera.  I LOVE that my boys are best buddies.  I really hope it stays that way throughout their lives.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

I made some Valentine cards with my new digital scrapbooking skills/supplies and I had so much fun doing it that I decided to make it a monthly tradition.  I'll start posting them once a month but here are the Valentines from last month also:

Embryos

Here are our embryo pictures from yesterday.  They look very different from Morgan and Teagan's (which are also below) because:

1. They are Day 6 instead of Day 3 like Morgs and Teags and have made it to the Blastocyst stage. 
2. Each embryo has over 100 cells. In Morgan's and Teagan's each circle is a cell so you can see there are only a handful of cells at that point. 
3. They have ice crystals in them.  Apparently they can recover from the freezing but they definitely look like they've been through a bit of trauma.

They take these pictures about 5 minutes before implanting them. They have a big screen hooked up to the microscope so they let you look at them first and then you watch as they suck them up into the catheter.  30 seconds later, you're pregnant.  It's pretty fascinating actually.  My body has known what to do with them so far so good luck babies!



Possible Baby 3 and Possible Baby 4



One of these is Teagan

One of these is Morgan

The Numbers Are In

We went to Teagan's 18-month check up today and it's official: he really is a midget.  He was in the 5th percentile for both weight and height at his 1 year check up and he doesn't seem to have grown much since then so I thought he'd be off the bottom of the chart but surprisingly, there are a handful of children his age that are actually smaller than him. 

18 months old in percentile

Teagan
Weight: 4%
Height: 3%

Morgan
Weight: 40%
Height: 71%

Catching Up

I know, it's been forever! While I'm not depressed anymore I still am just not myself.  I don't know if it's this super long winter or the fertility drugs or something else but I just have a hard time being motivating to do much of anything.  Running errands, cleaning the house, blogging...whatever.  Blah!  Maybe spring will get me out of my funk.

Morgan is hysterical.  He's been holding full conversations since before he was 2 years old.  Now that he's 3 I really enjoy listening to him try out words or concepts for the first time.  For example: Teagan said a word for the first time and Morgan said "Teagan, you're so proud" meaning "I'm so proud."  Or when he sneezed really big and said "Whoa, those were two really big bless you's."  It's so fun.  And it's nice that while I don't have any adults to talk to all day, I at least have a toddler who pretends to be an adult so I don't go quite so crazy. 

Teagan is just as hysterical as his brother.  My favorite thing to do in the whole world is watch him dance.  I could sit and watch him all day and it would never get old.  Anytime any music comes on (commercials, ending credits, whatever) he starts dancing and it is the most amusing and adorable thing I have ever seen.  I love the cute little faces he makes too (see below).  And I love the fact that he is such a midget.  I hope he grows a little before he's a teenager but for now I love that he isn't growing up too fast.  He's 18 months old and still wears 3-6 month pants and size 2 shoes.  He looks more like 9 months old than 18 months old.  His doctor's appointment is Tuesday so I'll try to remember to get on and record his stats.  I'm thinking off the bottom of the chart this time. 

Baby Number 3 (and possibly 4) will hopefully be part of our family beginning this Thursday when we are implanting two more embryos.  This frozen cycle has been about a billion times easier than the two fresh ones we did with Morgan and Teagan so it hardly feels real.  I might be pregnant on Thursday.  I will hopefully be pregnant on Thursday.  And then we will have at least one more adorable little one for me to enjoy every day. 

Being a Mom is the most challenging thing I have ever done.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm going to lose it.  Sometimes I really wish I had a little more time to myself.  Sometimes I wish I could just do what I want when I want to do it.  Sometimes I think I'm doing to die if I don't get more sleep.  But being a Mom is also the most rewarding part of my life by far.  These boys bring me more joy than I ever thought was possible.  I am constantly smiling and laughing throughout the day (when I'm not pulling my hair out, of course).  They make all the hard things in life bearable.  No matter what we're going through at any given time, I find myself content and generally happy because I spend my days with these two little angels.  Having 3 kids seems a little overwhelming but I'm so excited to have another little angel in our family to multiply my joy. 

PS Morgan, I'm sorry if it seems like I take more pictures of Teagan but you just don't cooperate as well as your brother does.  You don't want me to take your picture and you pout and make sad faces or cover up your face all together.  Teagan, however, smiles and makes faces for me.  So for the record, I don't love Teagan more and it's totally your fault there are more good pictures of him : )



This is my favorite face that he makes...hillarious