And so it begins....Again

So our last IVF cycle didn't take.  I'm not pregnant.  I started feeling like I wanted another baby WAY before I should've felt that way (considering how much I hate being pregnant.) It took Randy a little longer but as we were deciding what to do with our insurance for 2011 we both felt very strongly it was time to try IVF again.  I don't know why the Lord wanted us to flush $4000 down the toilet but I do know that I trust Him. There have been a lot of things going around my head for past week but it all comes down to this: I know the Lord loves me and I know He wants what's best for me and I'm at peace.  If He wants me to spend $4000 on nothing, I know there's a reason and I trust Him.  Sure, I shed a few tears over the loss of a potential baby but I never broke down because from almost the very minute I got the results, I felt peace.  We decided to go ahead and use our last embryos right now.  I want my kids to be close together. I already felt like the timing was right so theoretically, it still is. It will save us a lot of money to go ahead and do it again because we get to skip all the pre-testing since we just barely did it.  And if I'm not going go have any more children, I would rather know now so I can start getting used to the idea of only having two kids and then moving on with my life.  I'm so grateful for my two boys.  I love them more than words can describe.  If they are the only children I get, I will be grateful, I will be happy, and I will be content.  I've always wanted more but I really will be just fine without more because the two I have have brought me immeasurable joy.  I started my drugs again today.  Implantation is mid-May and our new possible due date is January 29th.  Obviously I'm hoping it will work, but even if we throw thousands of more dollars down the toilet, I'm still good with it.  I'm at peace.  Maybe all this is just a test to see what we're willing to sacrifice. The Lord is always there for me.  He knows what's best for me and for my family and he wants us all to be happy.  I know that in His hands, everything will be fine, more children or not.  So here we go again.  I'll have to give up my beloved Dr Pepper again.  I'll be extra irritable and extra tired from all the hormones.  And then we'll know.  These are our last embryos and we don't have any more money to do this again so one way or another we'll know how big our family is going to be in the next few months and we can move on from there. If the next cycle doesn't work I'll probably have a harder time because that really will be our last shot and it's hard to let go of a future you've hoped for for so long.  But I really will be ok.  It's in God's hands and whatever the outcome, it will be the right one and the best one for us.